Misery does love it's company

What a week it has been. Today has hit me kinda hard.... news after news just flows and none of it is things i want to hear. I think that i'm supposed to be alone...
i think this is karma getting me back for the wrongs i've done. like this is a weird circle of events that just revolve around guys for me... like remember how i spoke of the guys in my first blog? ok well it's happened again just 2 different guys... i get to be the lover and the pretender at the same time.. god this isn't even making sense
why is everyone moving on without me? everyone's getting engaged or into a serious relationship and i'm the one that got stuck with a relationshit. i won't be getting over cody anytime soon, unfortunately. me and dave are "talking" i guess you'd say... i like how that friendship has livened up recently ...although i don't know how i feel about him. i used to be so crazy about him. i'm also talking (not talking talking though) to this other dude that i cannot disclose information about... he lives in enterprise though. definitely cannot have him though... why do i bother. then theres this other dude in ft. walton that i've had my eye on for a couple of months that i met on singlesnet.... he seems cool but i'm not really feelin it just yet. alex is engaged according to his myspace that i checked on today (he isn't on my friends list so i have to remember the link.) That was hard for me to take in.... i don't have time to worry about him though. that's just old painful memories now.
"that's just old painful memories now" a phrase that i'm getting to use alot nowadays....
someone help me? i hate being like this... just wait, the best part is yet to come though

sorry? no ho

OK, 18 now. and things just keep gettin better and better. not.
first of all, being 18 doesn't feel any different... just as i suspected. and all it basically means is that i can be tried as an adult, get into sex shops and other places that i couldn't legally be inside of before and buy cigarettes and other tobacco products in florida... oh and date older men.. legally. anyways, i've only been 18 for like 4 days now. i spent most of the 20th with cody and the following night... fun fun. not sure why though, i guess i went expecting something that wasn't going to happen after all. i want him back so bad =( i want to not love him so much, i want to not care...
i got my first speeding ticket on the 21st! i was doing 20 miles over the speed limit and i believe that'd be called wreckless driving. it had just turned into a 35mph zone and i was doing 55mph freshly off the interstate practically. i told dad and he isn't mad at all, surprisingly. he even volunteered to pay it himself but to not tell mom of any of this... i didn't try to talk him out of it. =)
christmas is tomorrow and it doesn't even feel like winter here... nothing feels the way it's supposed to anymore.

oh and how come crazy sex scenes only show up in movies when you're parents are around? unbelievable awkwardness and shit... yeah

why does this feel like a bad dream?

well, a few more days and i'll be 18. then florida and clubs, here i come... hopefully.
i tried having fun last night.... i went out with kristina and patrick to the movies. mistake; apparantly i can't be around couples again just yet without crying. ugh..
afterwards i bummed a cigarette from patrick and courtney called wondering if i wanted to go to a bonfire with her.... which was fine because it was only freezing outside and the fire would feel good, i thought. so, went there... had pretend fun then went to the depo w/ courtney and bethany... hung out there then decided to go home around midnight or so?
anyways, i've been been to the doctor and the emergency room this week and they thought i had some sort of viral infection and dehydration... yay. i'm fine now though. now, i just need to work on the depression.... but i think the paxil might help out with that.
i have exams this week and then i'm finished for this year... then school starts back around jan. the 7th? i'm not sure... not like it'll matter because i'll still have to go to work so it won't feel like a real break. eh i'll write more later

walmart: a place for sinners

well, here's a heads-up on my weekend so far.
friday night- went to courtneys house, watched her "primp" for kyle for like an hour lol, went to churches chicken with her to retrieve foods, tried my first liver...hated it...spit it out,(livers taste like canned dog food smells, btw), waited for kyle to get there.... acted like a yahoo with him when he did, ordered a slice of strawberry pie, left there with him *stole his remaining boones farm and drunk some*, went back to courtneys with him where he wanted to paint my nails =\.....( they're black now) =)
this is too much typing so i shall sum up the rest because yeah..
shortly after returning to courtneys and the painting of the nails ritual, kyle and i decided that we wanted to exercise his rights... he's 18... so we drove to florida (after kidnapping courtney and forcing her to come with us against her will) and bought cigarettes and smoked out at the wonderful florala lake that has many many glorious alligators in it.
i inhaled wrong again or something and threw up just a lil but i got the hang of it now! omg it relaxed me so much... i'm not addicted though, i don't think... lol
mom does not know. she knows NOTHING. =) she threatened to ground me that night too cause i didnt answer the phone when she called around 11. she makes me laugh. pshh.. she can ground me for like 13 days.... i'd ignore it anyways but god.. that's ridiculous. anyways, i slept like a baby that night... i slept for like 14 hours. it was great.
ok, saturday night- went to enterprise and spent moms moneys. bought a new comforter for my bed that i thought matched my room and some 400 thread count sheets.... o m g, orgasmic sleep later that night btw. got home, decided that the comforter didn't match my room and mom suggested going to walmart to swap it for one that did. i was in walmart at like 2:30 in the morning.... great place to be at that time of the night. lotsa weirdos there too at that time... like bad. anyways, when i finally got back home we made up my bed and i layed down, discovering that i was NOT sleepy... that night i also discovered that i had the science channel for free preview month or something of that nature. ive been watching it all day today.... i've done nothing but watch shit to do with dinasaurs. i have to work sometime today... i really don't wanna but i need to get caught up or they gone fire my assness.
i still gotta do my christmas shopping too...
my friends keep saying stuff to me like "are we doin' christmas this year?" and you can't say no to that... so i add another person to my list. i get paid this week though, it won't be a wonderful check though cause i only wored like 27 hours the whole 2 weeks *crys on the floor*
oh well, enough of this! i'm going to

Woo!

This past weekened was awesome. 2 freakin days with him... chyea. My parents have no idea... which is wonderful and it means that i'll get to do it again soon (hopefully this coming weekend)! I feel bad though because i have the power to make us both lose all track of time =\ and apparantly i run into things alot too (it's a talent, actually). lol
Anyways, his apartment is great. I really like it... and the picture that hangs in his bathroom. =P
I can't wait to move out of here and have complete control over what i do, I hate having to lie to get to do stuff like what i've done this weekend but i don't regret it. Every second that i spend with him is worth it.
OH wonderful news, I'm moving out next year! Dunno where just yet, but I'm doin' it! =] and i have a very small list of stuff that i'll actually need. oh and another thing, i don't think i'm gonna start college as soon as i finish the cna course..... i want time OFF from any form of education. and i also don't know if i'm going to go into nursing anymore.... i'm thinking photography. or maybe pornography. HA!
I HAVE CONTACTS AGAIN! and they're violet. they're really not that noticeable though... but i like them. =)

freakin yahoos

well, I just did something that I probably shouldn't have. and now it stings. alot. however, it looks pretty cool though.
tomorrow will be a hellish day...especially since i didn't go to school Friday. i just want to get through Wednesday because then, I'll be off until the next week begins.
i went to see twilight today with Kristin. i really enjoyed it =].... well of course, other than all the couples sitting together there.... it just made me want to be next to you even more. Kristin and i looked liked lesbians, and extreme ones at that. it was hilarious. and I'd be the one that's the "bitch" supposedly (because i was the one ordering the snacks and shit). it also doesn't help that Jesse and Michael created that profile that is supposed to show our lesbian love towards one another. lol [www.myspace.com/roughtits] yeah, take a look. it's not true though be sure to read the disclaimer. oh and those of you who read my blogs and don't have a thingy on here, you should get a thingy on here. yeah.
oh and one more thing, walmart is an ass(no offense Cody :P). they should keep enough books in stock. like new moon, for example.
AND another thing, Kristin and i added 2 new additions to our offensive words list. they are "yahoo" and "feshbag".
and tomorrow, I'm going to call her a kikefish and see how she likes that!

Update on today

well, i finally went to the doctor for that bite thing and it turns out that it's most likely a brown recluse that bit me. i have to go back in 2 weeks exactly to see how it's doing.... if it's worse then he'll have to do some sort of surgery thing on it. yeah, that sucks.
the attendant lady was a bitch.
i didn't work but 30 mins more today because i was saving myself from working an extra 30 minutes tomorrow at mihell memorial hospital. i mean mizell. haha. tomorrow i'll have to work like 3 hours... yay. not.
i didn't go to enterprise either... courtney called and cancelled because she was being forced to spend family time with her dad, who just came home from the hospital.
ugh anyways, i dont know what else to really talk about so yeah....

i love you cody! =D

omg the insanity is progressing!

i hate this and i feel like something's wrong. idk, maybe i'm trying too hard or not hard enough. this whole attached thing sucks because it hurts when you don't get enough time to say what you need to say. i just wanna know that everything's ok and that i'm worrying over nothing. i don't want to lose you and i feel like i'm going to. see there, i'm paranoid. i just want to talk to you more :(

anyways, today i'm going to the doctor for this mysterious bug bite on my stomach... i'm hoping that staph won't set up. is it usual for a large red globe looking thing to form around a bite?no, guess it isn't... it's not pretty either. not that a bite would be... but yeah, you get what i'm saying.

hmm, now for my current plans. tonight courtney wants to take our weekly trip to enterprise and we're wanting to kidnap kyle to take along. we'll end up being savages at rue21 and probably get kicked out of wal-mart. just watch. last night i dropped by kyles to give courtney something because she was there....they were there alone. haha, no telling what i disturbed lol . me and kyle nearly fell in the pool...which has about a foot of water in it...that wouldn't have been good. we laugh like the entire time when we're all together, even if we are acting like old farts the whole time. like yesterday at lunch, we nearly died. kayla is now the chuck norris of the bees, btw. she trapped one in sarahs dressing with a cup! speaking of dressing, next week will be great because i don't have school wed-friday. i don't have college all week! and i don't have work thursday or friday. oh and next week is thanksgiving...yay! which means that i get to crowd around my pops side of the family and watch the thanksgiving parade and quite possibly football on the lowest volume you could possibly imagine, because for some reason, they don't watch tv at a level to where you can really hear it (yeah i know right, you'd think that they'd have it going wide open) . old people these days,...

i need to work at some point today too... maybe even get in some extra hours so that i won't have to work 4 hours tomorrow. i like having money.... i just don't like working, guess that doesn't make me special though because who does like working anyways? lol. work isn't really as terrible as i make it out to be sometimes though. it's just boring as fuck (not the kind of boring when you have nothing to do, just the kind that makes you want to pull your hair out and/or count to a trajillion instead of what you really have to do) it's ok though... i usually distract one of my coworkers into this long assed conversation that occupies me for a while... and when i'm not doing that, i'm either texting or listening to my ipod while i'm filing or writing damn numbers on a bajillion papers. yes i know that i make up numbers that don't exist. or do they?

haha, i bet this is the most i've randomly typed in a while. sorry for all the bad grammar, idc though. i have a 96 in english so yeah, i'm capable of more. i should do this more often... it cheers me up somehow. i guess it feels like i'm talking to someone... idk. i'm weird. maybe it feels like i'm just talking to myself? lol
oh and cody, when and if you read this, what's that song called that goes like "if you were dead or still alive, i don't care... i don't care" i know you know this song because you randomly typed that line in the other day.
i heard it on the radio yesterday and adored it... i want it.
ok well mom has surrendered breakfast-related foods over to me
bai

Sunset Inn with a side of Nutfest.

Omg, I just had the best weekend of my life to this point. I finally got to see him and find out what it's like to really touch him without a computer screen between the two of us. It was amazing... even if we did stay in a crack motel with a shower that had a.d.d. and had other issues like a nonworking door, blown light bulbs, missing lamp shades, and beautiful graffiti on the walls... oh and the mural on the ceiling of the male genitalia! hehe, anyways, i didn't care about all that... just as long as he was there. As soon as he left, it hurt... like, alot. I was crying before they even left the parking lot and pretty much the entire way home and even now off and on. I woke up, he wasn't there. I look beside me, he's not there. I reach for his hand, it's not there...

I'm already attached to him... obviously. I love him so much and i can't wait till next Saturday when i hope to see him again. I'm just so blown away at how everything just worked out perfectly between the two of us.... just, wow.

Massive Confusion (with a side of regret)

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so torn between the decisions that I'm going to have to make in the future. I'm still in love with someone that I thought I'd gotten over....I'm slowly falling for another guy....and I've accidentally led another on to believe more than I felt for him. I'm so confused... how do I get over him? How do I fix my mistakes? Then, where do I go from there?

The one that I fell in love with.

I'm practically in tears right now because I found some old videos of him, from the time when I thought he loved me.... he did love me at one time, or so I thought anyways?
I keep having dreams... dreams that I'm with him... meeting him. I wake up crying because I know it'll never happen. I was crazy about him.
I find myself listening to songs that we both liked... bands that we both liked.... it reminds me, it hurts...
I cared about him so much and I still do... but he hurt me and I can't go back to that... not that he would want me in that way anymore, anyways.
I miss him... I miss those times... I miss staying up late at night talking to him...so much.
What did he want from me? He used me...
I just want to go back and unattach myself before it got so severe.
I want to go back and start over, knowing what I know now, Can't do that though.


The one I'm falling for.
On a brighter note, the guy I'm slowly falling for is awesome, I like him alot.
We don't live incredibly far apart and I think it could actually work out between the two of us.
I hope it does.... I need this... I really do. I hope he'll see that I really do care about him...maybe someday I can show it.



My mistake.
As for the guy that I mentioned last in the first paragraph, I fear that I may end up unintentionally hurting him... I really don't want to because he's a great guy and he deserves someone that'll give him her full devotion...I can't offer that, not when I feel the way that I do. I don't feel the same way that he does about me and I've led him on to believe that I feel the same as he does. Infatuation, I guess that is what you'd call it. I hate this. If I tell him, then I'll practically end up doing the same thing that the guy mentioned first did to me, but somewhat differently and perhaps with much thought behind it. I know how it feels, exactly how it feels. I'm sorry, so so sorry.



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I'll blog more later
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I know that my problems seem minor when compared to everyone else's... but it doesn't mean that they don't hurt just as bad.


Time can only heal some things.